Not long ago this list was put in front of me as part of a breakup speech. It was her way of giving me up and setting herself free of me.
- Finding myself
- Staying put or leaving
- Remarrying
As I’ve written elsewhere I think she is oh-for-three on this list.
I’m just getting started.
Let’s examine each.
Need #1: Finding Myself
I need to look hard. And I need to look deep and wide. I am out there somewhere. And in here somewhere, too.
Before I can commit to another I need to know and commit to myself. If I don’t know me how can I know another?
I’ve since learned that there is a writer within me. He’d been waiting to get out and experience life—and write it down. If she hadn’t left he wouldn’t have emerged. Nor would have the slow cyclist and dog walker who loves murals. And there are a whole slew of people I wouldn’t have met or remet. Life can be fuller by subtraction.
Need #2: Staying put or leaving
Texas has been home for 20 years. This house for 15.
But is this where I should be? Need to be?
Sometimes we have to leave a place to find yourself. Venturing out physically leads to someplace inside of yourself.
So it is I’m leaving for Tucson. It has been both bitter and sweet. The journey to loading and unloading the van has taught me how to let go. And to appreciate the episodes of life.
Need #3: Remarrying
Will I ever marry again? Do I need to? Will it be permanent or temporary?
Can I marry another without giving up on me? Or will I find myself in another?
Why marry if it only locks me up again? Or will it free me to be me as the marriage will hold things in place for me?
For me, this remains an unanswered question. Until I resolve Needs 1 and 2, this need will have to wait.
Lastly
Putting these three “needs” together really points to not being afraid to take that first step when you can’t see the stairs. While we would all like for things to remain the same, they can’t and they won’t.
Life is a series of episodes and the script gets rewritten, cast members leave or take on new roles and even the stage moves.
Just roll with it. God has you. And me. And Pam. And whoever else has examined these three needs in their own life.
Relentless
