There was a time when I couldn’t look another person in the eye. It was intimidating. It was hard. And I thought, “why should I? Because, dang it, the eyes are the windows to the soul, I was told.
Oh, really….
Seriously, at that point in my life when I started looking people in the eye when I was in conversation with them, I learned quickly–very quickly–that I was engaged. I really heard what they were saying. I found myself listening to every word and, more importantly, listening to hear and not to respond.
Eyes are the key to getting to know someone. If they are those of an acquaintance, you are discovering, probing, searching for something in that person to help make them familiar to you. If they are those of a friend, they are that portal to deeper understanding of who you are. And, if they are are those of your lover, they are, sometimes, a mirror for you to step into.
They are a vehicle to understanding as well as an engagement “tool.” Too often we spend time thinking of ourselves and not of the other person. Using eye contact to engage another is, to paraphrase Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca, “the beginning of a beautiful relationship.”
How do you make eye contact? If you are a novice at it, try looking at the other person’s forehead or the bridge of their nose. Or their chin. Over time, you will gain the confidence to look right at the pupil or the iris. When you get to that point, then you’ve really gained a skill. But don’t overdo it: remember, the object is to listen and retain. You’re just using the contact to keep you focused and engaged. Always engaged.
But always be aware of the comfort level of your subject. Sometimes you have to look 
away or break eye contact–it is just a way to ease into full engagement. Let’s face it, not everyone is ready to do a full-on eye contact conversation immediately. But if you ease into it, it will pay dividends–for both of you.
To know another is a gift. Knowing others expands our world and gives us a perspective on ourselves at the same time. To know the world is to know ourselves. And, if you use the rule of “it’s not about you,” your learning will never stop.
Relentless
